HellBill » Hell Bill Area: » Bill Of Rights » I am leaving my emotionally abusive husband and now he tells me he loves me

  #1 (permalink)
: I made up my mind and have a plan to leave, I haven't spoken to him yet, but I know he already guessed it.

I love him and was so much in love and happy in the beginning, he is Christian (not as a negative statement) and believes, that woman is a subject to a man and must be submissive and his way is the only right way, because it's Gods way.

I am not pursuing any of my goals, cause always helping him and taking care of household, bills and working on his "vision".

I am currently reading "why does he do that" and finally able to make sence out of what's going on. It's still hard to let go, that "our happy dreams" will never come true and he wanted not me, but a someone who could serve him to fulfill his needs.

I could put a check on almost each "sign" of abusive relationship from the book.
Except he is not violent, but often invaded my space, especially when fighting.

Now as he feels I am ready to leave, he is doing everything to make me believe the fantasy about "our love" again.
He gives me massages, tells me he loves me, he pays close attention to me if I get into a deep thought.
He even let me hang out with friends in a restaurant until 2 am (only girls), which before wasn't permitted all together, unless he came with me, and he wouldn't, cause he thinks they are "wicked whores".

It makes it so hard to leave, I feel confused again.

His abusiveness comes thru often tho, he criticizes me to the point, where I have to put my headphones on and turn the music loud to not let any of his words damage me and my self esteem, and put me in a depression.

I offered him counseling, but I don't believe it would help, because we had it before from a Christian pastor and his wife, who first time opened our eyes on unhealthy dynamics and I then realized I was being mistreated. But then he was forced by the violent circumstances that he put me into.
Now I don't want to force him and he doesn't want to go. He said I only need to read 3 chapters of Bible a day.
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  #2 (permalink)
: Don't buy it. He will NOT change. Keep reading and researching abusive relationships because you will read that this is a very common tactic that people use to string their victim along.

And I'm so confused. How can you say he's a positive type of Christian if he "believes, that woman is a subject to a man and must be submissive and his way is the only right way, because it's Gods way" and treats you as if you are inferior.

He is way too preachy and if he really was a good Christian, he would allow you to be the person God intended you to be.
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  #3 (permalink)
: run,don't walk away from him. been there,it only gets worse in time.go to counseling yourself, you'll see the light better then!
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  #4 (permalink)
: The classic line of the abuser who does not
want to loose control. As for being a Christian,
Bull$hit...he is not acting like one.

This hit it on the nail head:
I am currently reading "why does he do that" and finally able to make sence out of what's going on. It's still hard to let go, that "our happy dreams" will never come true and he wanted not me, but a someone who could serve him to fulfill his needs.
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  #5 (permalink)
: first of all if he thinks god said that women are just some objects to men to fulfill their pleasure then let me tell you he is SO WRONG!!
don't let him justify his abuse by something god did not said:P

and scnd i say give him another chance but not unless you talk and agree to stop the abuse and the inequality cause HELLO WE ARE IN THE 21 CENTURY!!

you have all the rights that he have and if he isn't happy with it dump hi @ss!!!!!!!
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  #6 (permalink)
: Your husband is saying God ordained that the woman is subject to the man. You recognize that he is abusive, although he is not violent. Of course he does not want counseling! He sees himself as perfect and not in need of it. Or he thinks counselling will fill you with non-sense about you having rights. [Not my views - but how he sees it.] Saying he loves you is emotional blackmail for you to stay. Stay with him if you want to get more brow-beaten and depressed.

I think you would say this to a friend who was in the same situation.
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  #7 (permalink)
: Find a local women's center and get help immediately. Abusive relationships are life threatening, especially as you contemplate leaving. Don't beat yourself up for feeling confused. No woman marries an abuser on purpose. She marries Prince Charming who turns out to be an abuser. Prince C knows how to turn it on when it suits his purposes. He is trying to control you. This is not love, no matter what he says. In the cycle of violence there is a sunshine phase that gives way to abuse. The sunshine phase gets shorter and shorter, and he will try to make it seem like your fault. If you have children get help for them too or they will carry on the tradition. In the meantime make an escape plan for when things get ugly again, which they will. Get keys, copies of important papers, money, clothing, etc in a place outside the house where he will not guess where they are and where you can get to them if you need to escape. Find a place to stay and hide the car. If he hits you call 911 and PRESS CHARGES on the bully. Get a restraining order and don't let him bully or charm you out of it. Let the cops know to watch out for you. He needs to know that you are serious. There are many legitimate reasons that a woman will stay with an abuser, but love is not one of them. Don't confuse need with love. The average abused woman leaves her abuser about 7 times before she goes for good. Each time she leaves she puts her life on the line. Get help. You can't do this alone. You are not safe. This is not a joke.
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  #8 (permalink)
: You said yourself he's emotionally abusive... and by suddenly showering all this "love" on you, that's part of it. He's manipulating you. He's discovered that he can control you by intimidation, and also by giving you a sense of comfort. It's all about him keeping control, and has nothing to do with love.

You need to get away from this man NOW, and stop listening to his lies when he apologizes, gives overtures of love and promises to change, begs and cries and says he can't live without you, or even if he goes so far as to threaten to kill himself. It's all lies to get you back under his control, because that's what abusers DO. Studies on people with abusive tendencies show that *most abusers DO NOT change*. And he won't kill himself, he's too narcissistic for that. He's more likely to kill YOU than himself... which is why you need to GET OUT, and make sure he does not know where you are so that he can't find you.

There are safe houses for abused women, and organizations that work with police departments to help victims of abuse escape. The MOST likely times for a woman to be murdered by a romantic partner are: a) when she is leaving him, or has just left, and b) when she's pregnant. So you need to take this very, very seriously and GET OUT NOW. Your life may depend on it.
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  #9 (permalink)
: He is a Christian fundamentalist who is very brainwashed. It is hopeless. Counseling with a pastor of his chosing and his wife could only result in, at best, them not telling you to leave him right then and why. So you had an awakening as to the truth there and chose to ignore it and allowed the abuse to continue...What WERE you thinking when you married such a radically right wing nut job? Fact is he has such strict interpretations of men and women based on biblical dogma, this could NEVER ever work for m,ost normal people, you, a more modern woman with goals and aspirations. He even thinks your lady friends are "wicked whores", which insults you and your ability to chose nice people for friends.His flowers, smiles, etc are tricks he is using to bring you back into his fold....he will NEVER EVER change who he is, nor his abuse ways.

I knew a man just like that who sometimes slammed his wife around and convinced her she was wicked and deserved it. Your husband is actually am undiagnosed very mentally disturbed person big big big time. He is very potentially dangerous too, because mental illness gets worse left untreated over time.
Here is how to leave, and you will indeed leave ASAP to save your soul, and physical life, forget his, because he has no soul worth saving:

No sex with him ever again. If he tries to force it, say you have a headache to leave you alone...

Just after he leaves for work tomorrow, take his gold and silver (which are at all time high to sell), all the cash you can, a cash advance on any joint credit cards if it exists, which is doubtful the way you describe him, other valuables, your stuff, your cell phone and charger, and your laptop. Leave....Tell NO ONE except a person or a few who'd promise to keep this all silent if they could help . From there, you will seek a GOOD divorce lawyer who has trial experience in hard cases. You have grounds of years of extreme emotional abuse and I suspect physical abuse.and leave.

^^^^^^Do not give him any idea you are leaving.

If there are two cars and he leaves you with one, take it. Move where he'd NOT expect you to live. Have mail forwarded to a PO box where you could ask someone to get it for you to mail it in a package weekly. Change your cell phone number the moment he leaves for work. Block his e-mails to you on regular email, facebook, twitter, etc.

Tell NO ONE except a person or a few who'd promise to keep this all silent. From there, you will seek a good divorce lawyer who has trial experience in hard cases. You have grounds of extreme emotional abuse and I suspect physical abuse.

He does not love you!!!!!!!!!. He has no use for you spare to look good for the world, sex, cook clean, shop,.laundry. You are NOT his friend nor he yours, a key ingredient for marriages to work. That does not mean you aren't a good lovable person. He is mentally unstable...He has depression most likely too.

^^^^^Do not EVER tell him any of this for you own sake.

BTW: Is the car in your name? If so, Of the title is in your name, please take it, change all locks etc. IT IS legally yours. If he is the one who take it to work, but you have extra keys, by all means, get it when he is at work on the QT....

Before you leave, take good pictures of every room, closet, in draws etc where you live. Make sure you show all property, including some valuables of his in draws. If he claims you two had nothing, a judge will see HIM a liar if you produce pictures. Also photograph the car(s).

If you read The Divorce Handbook, you will find that you are entitled to a huge amount of stuff, such as 1/2 the value of marital assets, his pensions, keough plans, stocks, money market accounts, furniture, paintingh,s cars, boats, house, etc....social security portions....

He will say you are the devil. So WHAT! We know the truth....

For your sake, leave NOW.
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